Not Till Death Do Us Part

My mom and dad on their wedding day. May 1960.

My parents had a brief courtship. They met in a bar in Salinas, California.  He was stationed at Fort Ord. When they first met, he told her that she can call him Bat, Hat or Mat. From that day in she would call him Bat. She was the only one to do so. Everyone else called him "Dink". Its even on his head stone. I remember, as a child, he had a leather belt with DINK on the back. 

He was a charmer to everyone he met. Anyone who want family thought he was the best guy ever, and he was when he wasn't drinking. 

My mother had 2 teenage boys who she was raising as a single parent. Now, my grandmother helped her quit often as well as her brothers. The oldest was biological her nephew whom she adopted and my grandmother raised until he was 12. The younger one, her and his father divorced when he was maybe 7. 

She was looking for someone who could help her raise the 2 boys, start a family and be secured. 

They got married at the house of one her brother's and sister-in-laws. Man, I wish I had that dress. I remember my grandmother putting it in a yard sale. 

Anyway,  not long after they married, like within a year, he got orders to go to Germany.  Now, this was in the early 1960s, the cold war was strong and it was 15 years after the end of WW2. 

Her youngest brother tried talking to her to not go over there with him. He even tried to talk to her to mother to marry.  He sensed something was not right. He had feared for his sisters life and well being. 

Well, he went to Germany, as he should, secured housing on base and waited for her and her two sons.

 Before she married, she went to a Palm or card reader, I don't remember which one, but it was a fortune teller. The fortune teller told her that she was going to fly over a large bady of water and the plain will go down. Mom always laughed about that. She hated to fly. She was never a big believer of fortune telling, but just doing it for the fun. 

So, when it came for her to fly, her flight was to leave out of New York. She missed her flight,  and wouldn't you know it? That plane went down. She didnt know until after she arrived in Germany. 

Well, while living there, his true colors came out. He started abusing her, taking away her passport and papers where she could not leave. She ofted told the boys to not to say or do anything since they had no other place to go. She lived in fear thinking she may not make it back to the States. 

Now, being in West Berlin during this time, many of the Germans would not help her. He would buy her nice cars, Chanel perfum, the nicer things. Of course,  he was a charmer when he wasnt drinking. 

He was a mean drunk. He never did threaten physical harm to us, but he would often scare us. 

Now, he did spend time in both the Korean War and Vietnam during the hight of both conflicts. He told my younger brother of things he saw and witnessed that involved children, especially little girls, that he could never get out of his mind. He was involved in some stuff that he would never talk about. He would tell my younger brother some, but he could never tell me. The military did not have the help for soldiers who had PTSD like they do now. They were just left to "deal" with it, that often included drugs and/or alcohol. 

The term for PTSD is rather a new term. It was once referred as "Shell Shock".  Have you seen pictures of Soulders from WW1 who have been labeled as Shell Shock? Hallow eyes, blank stare. They still look like they're scared to death. 

World War 1 was the first big war that Americans died on forgien soil. They did not have their family near them. They did have men who were like their brothers. 

Ok, that's a little history lesson. 

My dad was not a faithful husband to my mother. Not only was he physically abusive, but also mentally.  But doesn't that go together? What finally ended their marriage was that she caught him at a motel room with another woman. Mom and 2 of her friends parked in front of their room, flashing head lights and honking the horn. 

The next day, he came to the house and mom and him fought through the living room door.  My bedroom was where I could see the front door from my bed. I climbed under the covers and watched how he put his fist through the glass of the screen door while my younger brother was reaching up to be picked up by his dad. My mother came out of the kitchen waving a cook pot. Somehow, dad got into the house.  My mother wrapped him in the curtains of the living room window and made use of that pot. He got away with a broken watch,  wrist and a rib. 

My mother was in the United States now. It had been almost 10 years since she did time in Germany. Now her family was here to help.  Now she was able to stand up to him. Now, she's going to fight back. 

Ok, I have an issue with my phone and the Blogger ap.  What I want to post to Blogger will not upload.  I have many things that I've tried to put on the blog, but it refuses to do so. I am going to try to delete it from my phone and then down load it again.  I have a lot to say with pictures.  a picture is worth a thousand words, but if I can't show them, then it's silenced.

Trying to Keep My Body as a Temple

1st Corinthians 6:19 tells us that are bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit.  There is a saying that we are what we eat.  There are many other sayings about how we should treat our bodies.  I;m not perfect in any way and when it comes to food, I love food.
I'm addicted to sweets and sugar and I crave textures.  Since I do now that about myself and willing to admit it, I'm in the process of changing that.
One way I'm changing and breaking my sugar addiction is by implementing more fruits and veggies in my diet.  One way I'm doing that is y making and having a green smoothie every morning.
Green? That's right!  Green due to the cup of baby spinach or kale I put in it.  With the fruit and protein powder in it I can't taste the spinach.  But I like spinach.
I prepare some of my smoothie ingredients over the weekend.  I put an extra bundle of bananas, half them, wrap them in foil, place them in a zip lock freezer bag and put away in the freezer.  I make up jars of overnight oatmeal with the use of almond mild ad yogurt to add to the smoothie.
The smoothie I made this morning also contains pineapple flax seed, and plant based protein.  Some like to add honey but I always forget.  I really don't need the sweetener.  Pineapple is an anti inflammatory fruit and I love pineapple.  It can be made with coconut water for that Pina Colada taste.
It has helped to curb my sugar cravings and keeps me full through the day.  I usually have a little extra that I put back until I get home from work.  It's a great energy lifter.
I'm just trying to keep it all real.

 My ingredients for this mornings smoothie; oatmeal that I made up over last week and placed in the refrigerator, baby spinach, I use one cup; frozen banana, ground flax seed, frozen pineapple chunks and plant protein powder.  

I first blended up the spinach with the oatmeal mix and extra 1/2 cup of almond milk. 

Added the pineapple and banana, flax seed and protein powder. 

Mix, Mix, Mix. 

The finished product.  

Since I've Been Back in School

What a weekend! My first full week back in school and the kiddos were pretty good.  I have a new schedule where I am pushed into three classes, I think I'm going to like it.  It is not near as stressful as when I am in my room all day with my kiddos who have behavior disorders.  Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kiddos, but for the past two years, it has been really tough with the behaviors.  I am thankful that I have good parents and guardians who support me.
This past weekend was crazy.  I got a phone call from my DIL, she is 35 weeks preggers with my first grand child.  It is a boy.  She was hurting with Braxton hicks, but her doctor where the live really didn't do anything.  She was told to have bed rest, then he tells her to go for a walk to keep her diabetes under control.  HMM, how can she have bedrest and still go for a walk?  They live an hour from a town that has a hospital.  They came up here and went to see her doctor she was seeing who told her bedrest as well and she is dilated to 2.  We maybe having a baby within a month.  They will be coming back up here to deliver.
Also, it was my 28 wedding anniversary on Saturday and hubby forgot.  He had scheduled a student for gun building lessons.  I really couldn't get mad since I didn't feel good all week.  Friday night I wend to bed early, leaving everyone else up. I had not been feeling good since the weekend before.  Feeling queasy, dizziness, like I maybe getting dehydrated.  But now I think I just had fluid in the ear.
One of my dearest friends past away Sunday morning from a long fight with cancer.  She was such an inspiration to everyone who knew her.  I am so glad that I got the opportunity to be her classroom aide for 3 years while I returned back to school to finish my first degree.  She was such a help to me and my family.  Kathy Jones was a true woman of God.  I just hope that I am half the person she was.  We had some good time together in and out of the classroom.
It is going to be an emotional week.  I can get through it. I feel the hand of God on me, and him telling me that it is going to be O.K.

Well, I've not posted in a while, so I thought I had better.  God was telling me to get this done this morning.  Now, it is time for me to get ready for work.  I'm going to try to get there early so I can work on some IEPs,  That is paper work for students who receive instructions and services from special education teacher.

God is helping me to keep it real and I am.  His presence if so amazing and I know that He can take care of it all.

Let's keep it real!

The Power of a Praying Woman

     I started reading this book last week. Wow! It has really hit the nail on the head with my situation.  As few months ago, I hit rock bottom with my relationship at home, I had turned my back to God and Satan was winning me over.  I was not aware of what I was doing. Satan was being "a thief in the night."  Things was being presented to me in ways that I thought it was from God, but God wouldn't put me in the situations that I had gotten in.  I almost lost my family, my friends, and my sanity.
     I speak to God daily.  Often while I am walking around my house, doing things, but I don't always listen and wait for him.  I was being deceived.  Satan is not as powerful as God. He thinks he is. Satan will not stick around when God in present.
     Today, chapter 5, she mentions the five weapons to have to fight again the enemy, whom is Satan.

1. God's word, which we know as the Bible.  The Bible is the inspired word of God. It came from Him. 
2. Praise God.  Satan does not like it when we give praise to God, when we worship God, Satan is being denied what he wants, us to praise him.
3. Obedience to God.  I know many of us lack this.  I do, but this is where I am weak.  I need help to work on this.  That is probably a reason I went through what I did, to strengthen and work on my obedience.  When we need work in an area, God provides us with opportunities to work and it and to seek his help.  I believe I have learned my lesson on it. 
4. Faith in God. I feel like that goes with obedience.  When we obey God, we put our faith and trust in Him. Also, we are commanded to put faith in Him.
5. Prayer and fasting. When we concentrate on putting God before our wants and needs, We will see Him do amazing things for us.  

     After reading this chapter, I felt like I needed to blog about it. I don't know if anyone else will read this, but if some does, please put a comment saying who you are and that you read it.  I just want to know.  God has been speak to me about doing more blogging.  

     I will admit that I do not read my Bible as often as I should.  Sometimes, it is just on Sunday mornings while at church.  God is speaking to me about it.  The Bible is our manual, it is our "How-To" book.  How to trust and put faith in God.  How to pray.  How to give over everything to Him.  How He wants us to know how much He loves us.  As well as how others had been in similar situations and their outcomes when they put God first.  

     

     

Never give up

Just when it seems that things between me and my husband get better, I start Getting doubts and questions in my head that wasn't there before. Thoughts and doubts that make me want to give up on the progress I am doing.  I'm starting to not feel so overwhelmed with everything; work, family, school. Life. I made a to get done list and sticking to it.  I am seeing progress.  However now Chuck is starting to feel it.  Be has taken over the bills and all the money. He is now fighting his depression.  I  turn makes me want to go back to what I was doing and that is to avoid and hide.  I know I can't do that anymore nor do I want to.  I and feeling better about myself but I know I have a long way to go.

Today, about all day, I worked in the spare bedroom, picking up, sorting and finding things I had forgotten even existed.
I feel like I've made progress in dealing with my anxiety and depression.  I was able to tell my husband about a payment coming due and told him about the Girl Scout Camp I was offered to work for.  However, he told me his thoughts and feelings about the Camp, so I had to email them back to tell them that I had to turn it down.  The pay is not very much, but I would be gone for a total of 6 weeks this summer. Home on the weekends.
With our situation, it probably is not a good idea for me to go.  I do feel some relieve though having done some progress.
While I was working in the bedroom, I was playing Air1 Radio, a Christian radio on my phone.  A son played that I felt like matched my situation, "While you are feeling pressure, God is creating a diamond." Oh, how correct. I loved that. I'm going to have to find it on Google Play.
Now, time for supper, I put a freezer meal in late this morning, pepper steak.  I am going to serve it over mashed potatoes, which I've got to get pealed and start cooking.
My plans for after supper, read "The Help".   I watched the mini-series "Roots" this week. Wow! I forgot how wonderful it was. I want to read that book, but I know I'll never get through it in the summer, which is the only time I've got to do some reading for fun.
Tomorrow we may have plans to go to Illinois to Fort De Chartres. I love that place. It is the Spring Fort weekend. If the roads are not flooded, we will probably go.  If the roads are flooded, then we'll just find something else to do for the day. We have been home about every day this week, except for Thursday, but we done what we had to to do and came home. We really don't get out much.

End of another week

Do you know the feeling of when you have been overwhelmed by emotions for so long and then all of the sudden things look and feel like that they are starting to be put all together? It seems that all of the organized chaos that I have been under for so long is beginning to to come together for the good.  There is light!  I am a persistent character.  I don't give up on what I think I want, nor do I want to live in torment. Even though I am starting to feel anxiety and depression start to leave me, I feel like I still need to have my guard up, to protect me, to be prepared for when it starts to crumble back at me. I do fully rely on God, the one true God.  I know that he will not leave me, even though I may feel like I am by myself, but then I realize that Satan is trying to get ahold of me. 

OH, the work of Satan is often mis understood.  When life starts getting good, you had better get your guard up against him. He knows your weakness and will pry until he gets you.  Yes, I believe in the work of Satan. There is the Lord God, and the counterpart of God is Satan. Satan presents what you may want, what looks appealing to you, and make it appear that it is from God. Funny how people falls for this. I have done it many times. I have looked for help in the wrong places, seeing what was presented to me for help, thinking it was from God, when knowingly it was from Satan trying to destroy me, my family and my work. One sad fact is that I know what God says, I pray and try to follow His laws, I just didn't want to see what was happening, I was falling into Satan's plans.  

Sometimes I felt like Job. Satan made a deal with God about Job.  Satan thought that if he could take everything away from Job, he would turn away from God and live for Satan. Job lost all of his family, his sons, daughters, wives, home, livelihood and friends. He never lost his sight on God. He never turned his back.  Of course he questioned on why, but who wouldn't? In the end of it all, Job prospered even more with bigger and better family, friends, and more riches.  God blessed him even better.  God rewarded him for not turning away.  God presented positive reinforcement (that is a behavior analysis term). 

The Lord God gives us behavior modifications to change our behaviors, he presents us with aversive reinforcement to change. However we have free will, and it is up to us to accept those changes. If we do not accept God's path for us, we will be physically and emotionally tormented through the work of Satan. It is important to know what God says to us, to know the truth. Even with knowing, Satan has the ability to make it seem like it is from God. By looking back, I can see where and how it all started, with a little bit here and there until the little pick in the rock became a large hole. 

By following the path of God, even though there are going to be trials, and some uncomfortable moments, due to Satan trying to pick and lead you off of the path, you will have the strength and guidance to follow.  

Think of it like this. If you was going for a hike in the woods, you are going to follow a path that is probably been worn down by other hikers. You may have a flashlight, a walking stick, your hiking boots, or some other protective foot protection, some water and maybe some snack foods. You are going to be prepared for the duration of what you planed for your hike. Along this hike you take in the sights, the sounds, the smells, the sensations of what you may walk upon. When you are tired, you will stop, take a drink of water, maybe a snack and continue on. 

Now let's look at what may happen if you go out and not be prepared. You have no water, no food, no flashlight, improper shoes. You will not go far, or may not even go at all. You will find excuses as to why not to go. You will be missing out on the peacefulness, the sights, the amazement what is out there.  

Where am I going with this? Well, the way I see it is that knowing God's word, by having faith, having those talks with him, he will prepare you for what he has in store for you. As I type this, I remind myself how I have to get out of my comfort zone and do more walking and talking with him.  You know the adage, of practice what you preach. God prepares us for what lies ahead. 

Not knowing, or refusing to look for him for the answers and for help, Satan gives us excuses, doubts, and the false sense of security in where we are not prepared for. We will find a sink hole along our hike and fall flat on our faces. 

Ok,now that I have this down, it is time for me to get my day going. I've done my daily devotion, about being prepared for His return and in 2 Timothy 4, the scripture is about knowing false prophets and being prepared for HIs return. 

When I am having a bad moment and I turn everything to Him, I envision Him taking his hands, hold them up and saying casually, "I got this". Of course He does. He has this before I gave it to Him. 

OMG! Looks like this room should be an episode of Horders

This is my spare bedroom/junk room before I organize it, again. It v was once my yarn room. Had to change it back to a bedroom when my son moved back. Now that he's gone again, I've got to make it a bedroom again for when he and his girlfriend visits and for her son. Oh and for the new baby coming in October.

Growing up, my family was considered unconventional.  I had step-parents and siblings, and half brothers due to my parents having been married before. Now this was in the 70s and 80s.  I didn't know it then, it was normal for me. I never thought what it would be like to have my parent always together.  Heck! I didn't want that.  My dad was abusive to my mother and an alcoholic. Sad thing is that he never did admit to it. My younger brother and I would try to spend some time with him in the summer but he would only spend the first day sober, after that we would fear for our lives.  No, he was not physically abusive to us, but he would threatened to disown us if we didn't live with him, drive through a busy town on the weekends drunk while we would ride in the back of the truck, hunkered down praying that we make it home safe.  Usually the next day we would call out mother to pick us up, or have dad take us back home.
I had step mothers, who I referred to as Dad's wives. I never referred them as a step parent.  Some only stuck around a few months.  However the last one lasted over 20 years.
I had only one step dad. He took the responsibility of helping my mother raise two kiddos.  He was great with my brother.  He took him as his own son.  My brother needed a positive male role model such as him. The went everywhere together. I am happy that my brother had that.  With me, he never did treat me as an equal with his own daughter.  He made her set down and do nothing, while he told my mother to have to clean up after her.  I am not making that up.  My mother didn't want to cause backlash on this one, agreed.  While I was younger, they fought like cats and dogs over us.  Even separating for a few weeks.  She left him on my birthday.  Yea, that was not a good birthday.  Matter of fact, I didn't have too many good birthdays growing up in that house. My mother told me to just keep quiet about it to keep the peace. As I got older and grew up into a woman, he attempted to do things that should not have happened.  I really had a difficulty time in trusting men.  It's a wonder I even married. More about that later.
Now, I have two kids of my own and a stepdaughter who live 8 hours away.  She has three kiddos, one whom we've not seen.  Our work schedules are so odd that we are lucky to even get to message each other. I've been married to my college sweetheart for almost 28 years. In my family that is a record.  But, recently we've almost not made it.  He has threatened to kick my out a couple of times, but I'm not going anywhere. It was due to the devil. He has been using me as a tool against everything I believe in. He has been presenting opportunities in a way where I thought it was God, placing me in more danger that I could not see.  Now he is putting some negative thoughts and feelings in my head.  I know that it is not God's work, I know that it is not God's well. Satan has been using my depression against me and against those I love.
Oh, I said the D word, Depression.  Yes, it is real.  No, it is not just something that you can shake yourself out of. It is a chemical imbalance that affects all your aspects of life.  Your work, family, sleep,  hobbies if you have any or use to have any, eating. Yes, there are pills for that, but you and your doctor has got to find the right one. You've got so speak up and talk to your doctor. I've been fighting it for a while and have been on medication for it for about 2 years.  With my stressful job, taking master classes, having the loss of my mother after a short illness and my in-laws in a near fatal accident, I thought I was going to go crazy.  I just wanted to hide.  I know a lot of how brain chemicals work and how feelings and the brain heals itself.  That is part of my job as a special education teacher, specializing in autism and behavior disorders.  My brain has been through a lot of turmoil situations and was having a hard time in processing.  I still have control over my emotions and my being, by my brain was hurting.  The chemicals was going crazy and I was not able to recover from it, it was more than the 'blues'. It does help keep my blood pressure down as well.
This is my first full week of summer break. I have so much on my to-do-list that I had better get started on it.  We are expecting our first grandchild together in October.  I have a spare bedroom that I've got to get cleaned out and ready.  I know that it is May, and I have five months, but this bedroom is really bad.  I should post a picture on how bad it is. I may do that later today. I try to keep my house clean and in order, however I feel some stress relieve if I have a bedroom where I can keep the door shut.  It is my junk room.  It is really no junk, just extra clothes and what ever I don't want to put up then, just gets thrown in there.  It give me a little stress relieve to just junk it up.  I know it sounds crazy, but I can just let it go in there.  Now, I've got to get it all put up and away.  That means a lot of trips to the Gospel Mission to give away and get rid of junk that in there.  I can do that.
OH, and it is Memorial Day. I can't forget that. Not for the official start of summer, but because we live in the best country in the world.  Even if our politics is questionable, we have services that other countries do not have.  We have the freedom of religion and of speech.  Can you imagine not being able to worship the way you want, or not worshiping the way you want?
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Mark Twain
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marktwain386139.html?src=t_memorialday

New year, New terms

Classroom ideas, New year, New, depression

I fight with depression continuously.  It's not serious, but I am vigilant against it. I f not want to do anything.
Tomorrow I'm going back to work, but I really don't want to. However the students are not back until Tuesday.

Out with 2015

I am not one to make New Year's resolutions because I know that I probably will not keep it through the first month.  However, I do try to become a better person than what I was before.  2016 is going to be the same way.  I am going to try to be a better person than what I was in 2015.
What do I mean as a better person? I am going to work at putting God first in my life.  I say I do, but I struggle at it.  I have a quote posted on my bathroom mirror that says "Don't work God into your schedule.  Work your schedule around God. Put God first".  That was said by Joyce Meyers.  I try to start every day with a devotion and prayer, but for the past couple of months, I have slagged behind on that.
A better person in not talking about people.  I am so much better than what I use to be, but still room for improvement.  I am tempted at times to say, "Hey, do you know what so-and-so is saying about you?" But I don't.  I keep away from conflict.
I am going to blog more often.  I keep up with my husband's blog, but I need to work on this one. 
If anyone else is reading this, they may find more prayer and scriptures on here.  I am wanting to do some Bible devotions as well.  I thirst for God's word and seek to know and grow closer to Him.  I want to be a positive example to my family.  Not just my kids, but to the extended family as well.

Every year, I look back at what this year held for me.  My son moved back home late of 2014, but moved back out earlier this year.  He moved in with his girlfriend who happens to have three boys.  We did not raise our children to live with out or wed-lock. They both know how we feel about it, and what the Bible says, but we love the boys and help them out as much as we can.  The boys are with me right now.
My daughter started her senior year of high school.  Wow, how has time flew by.  I just turned around and both of my kiddos are grown.  She's not for sure what she wants to do, but that's ok.  She is going to trade school and is earning her CNA credentials. 
My father-in-law is still fighting lung cancer.  He is on a new therapy that seems to be working at keeping it contained and no new growth. However, he doesn't feel good anymore.  He had his gall bladder removed in the early fall, and that seemed to help him feel better, but he still sluggish.
I got a call from my sister-in-law that my brother had a kidney stone attack while in Arkansas.  She was on her way down there.  She later texted me back saying that they dismissed him and he made her go back home.  He needs to be thumped on top of the head.
I finally got a new car that isn't white.  It is green.  The past four cars have been white. I've only had seven cars.
I did get dismissed from my oncologist after 8 years of being melanoma free. 
That is all I can think of right now. 
Happy New Year and tomorrow, I will post some New Year thoughts for 2016.  It is election year, I'm sure we won't forget that with the commercials that we will be getting bombarded with.  

I left my phone at home, or I would have taken pictures of what I've been doing in my classroom. I have to go back to work tomorrow, but not to work in my room. I've got to train for CPI, Crises Prevention Institute. It's help to calm down a student and how to properly transport a student who is in a rage from place to another without harm. I've done this before and have had to use it. It is helpful and goes along with what I am studying for my masters, behavior analysis.
I've put up light filters. Three are green and three are blue, purple, and green. I left one row of light as is since that is where my desk is. Kind of looks like Mardi Gras. It may take some time for me to get use it. We'll see if it works with the kiddos who are ADHD and how it affects my visual impaired student. I think they will like it.
I have a small room, with a lot of stuff. Stuff that is needed since I teach students with disabilities.
Wish me luck!

Oh, NO they didn't!

Ok, I love chocolate. I put in a food group by itself.  However, I'm not a potato chip fan.  I'm kind of afraid to try them.

Happy New Year

I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. I know that I wont keep them. However, I am going to do a challenge, Organize my house and declutter it by working at it for 15 minutes a day for the year. That means a lot of stuff is going to be let go and sent out. I hate throwing away things. I have emotional attachment. I'll admit, I am not a hoarder, but I could be. Today's first challenge was to set up a box to place items in to be taken out of the house. Many of the things, I will donate to my county mission. Tomorrow, the challenge is to make a family binder. I don't anything about that, but I'll see what I can do.

With today being New Years. I did fix the traditional black-eyed peas, how jowl, and cabbage. I tossed in some fried potatoes in for good measure and baked banana nut bread. Yum!

Happy New year and good luck with what ever you decide to go after.